like a coin that won't get tossed

when i think of the happiness and heart breaks i experienced when i was younger and compare it to how i feel today it makes me worry.
it's as if i've lost some emotional strength, energy.
maybe when i was younger i was granted all of this energy, but i could never fill a space with it or give it to someone who would keep it, just drains to pour it down. so i lost it all, wasted it, never knew how to use it properly or just wasn't given the chance to invest it.
now i feel weaker, like i simply can't amass that sort of feeling again. that caliber of emotion.

it was those strong emotions that forced me to act on feelings, impulse, to take opportunities.
without those emotions fueling me am i letting opportunities pass me by? am i ignoring the impulses that should be leading me towards the changes i need or want?

it's difficult to tell. perhaps instead of living all the time on an emotional hair-trigger i have learned to keep my emotions at bay until i need to employ them. maybe experience has taught me that the more emotion you invest the more you stand to lose. maybe bad experiences, bad luck have made me afraid, created this trepidation towards feeling strongly about something, someone. could a few nasty instances have turned me into a numb wreck happy to see chances pass me by, lest i risk losing again.

i suppose if certain things hurt or damage you enough you tend to avoid them. i think that's why i stopped skating.

or maybe i just havent experienced anything in the last couple of years that has called up these strong emotions and that it's only a matter of time before i hit higher and lower octaves of feeling and move on from this emotional middle ground.

i can't help but feel like i've lost some advantage, some skill i was never able to hone or control.


have you ever wondered what it would be like to live without mobile phones and facebook? without the internet even?
i think it would be wonderful.
technology has cheapened friendship and love.
nowadays people can contact you in some way at any time. but our emotions still arent ready for this speed of interaction, technology has grown alot faster than we have.

friends, for example, have taken on a whole new meaning. people can interact with you using messaging like facebook chat or skype or messenger. this is not natural, humans are more complex that what we can type into fb chat, we are supposed to actually see and hear eachother.

facebook chat is only useful for communicating the simplest of things. trying to convey emotions accurately is impossible but people still try. we are afraid of expressing our emotions to others but by typing it to someone we are far removed and arent nearly as nervous. except we deny ourselves the human interaction how will we ever learn to communicate properly with the people we have feelings for if we only mention it in flashes of impulsive text without even seeing eachother? how can a relationship develop properly if you talk to eachother non-stop in text.
feelings take time to grow and they require time to be expressed correctly. someone constantly badgering you for instant answers is never going to get the truth.

if it was the case that people only communicated in letters and when we saw eachother we would see far healthier relationships. people should be disconnected from one another for times. these times of being apart allow the individual to think, for their feelings to grow and most importantly they prevent them from getting caught up in constant dialogue and losing sight of things. if we feel strongly for someone then its even more necessary to have breaks from them. stronger feelings require time to mature, you need time away from this influence to fully recognise what it is doing to you. if you don't you'll be high all the time, you won't see things realistically and its only a matter of time before you get hurt.

and never underestimate the strenght of the letter. sitting down and writing a letter by hand is going to give you far better results than trying to nut something out on skype where the person you are speaking to is in three other conversations and merely glosses over everything you write.
when you write a letter you arent forced to respond instantly. you arent interrupted by the other party challenging or questioning or fucking nit-picking at your words. you dont have to put up with them bailing on you or trying to change the topic. in a letter you are the only voice and you have all the time in the world to put the right words down on paper. you see your thoughts grow and move as you push your pen around. you can scratch out, revisit, alter, draft or finnegan begin again. most importantly, when the person you are writing to receives your letter they hear you from beginning to end without interruption. they are forced to listen to all of your well thought words. they have this part of you on paper, and can hold onto it, keep it somewhere safe. and when you aren't around or when they are thinking about you, they can read it.
hopefully, if the person you send it to isnt too much of a lazy dick, they take the time to write one back. and who doesnt love getting letters?

if we only spoke when we saw eachother then there would be far less confusion. no more dealing with the weighing of things said on facebook against what is said in real life. for when you speak to someone you hear the tone of their voice, the speed of their words, you hear the silences between their words, you know where their eyes are looking, see their hands move, feel them touch you. we require all of these senses to really hear what we say to one another.

if we continue to use removed communication such as facebook to speak honestly to one another then we will end up saying nothing to eachother when we do see eachother. i've noticed it already. there are people who i can only have serious conversations with when i can't see them, so when i do see them the conversation is trivial bullshit. it's just awful.
don't you feel upset when the people you really want to see only speak to you on facebook?
makes you want to burn facebook down doesnt it.
don't you hate it when people include facebook into their social lives? when your actions on facebook become just as important as your actions in real life?

when we are in constant contact with one another it's far too easy for things to snowball out of control. you can convince yourself you have stronger feelings for someone than perhaps you really do. it's too easy to get into fights with people and ruin good relationships unless you have break time to cool off. we need to be separated from eachother more often lest the times we actually meet lose all meaning. our friends should be the people who see us not the ones who comment on our walls. you dont want to be one of those people who sees too many screens and not enough faces.

with all of this constant communication people move too fast, then wonder why they get hurt. our social lives arent supposed to be so constant. this is why we make so many mistakes.

we're all driving over the social speed limit, it's no wonder we crash all the time.